What do you know about Jesus?

only what they tell me
and what I have imagined.
I do know about you,
what you do
and what you don’t do;
what you say
and what you don’t say:
your mercy,
your favor,
your kindness
or not.
And I know oh too well about me,
what I do
and what I have done that I am ashamed of;
what I said
and what I lied about;
how I really felt
and how empty it all feels;
what I really want
and what I don’t have which money cannot buy;
what I think
and what I don’t remotely understand and perhaps will never;
what I fear
and what I rationalize;
what I hopelessly hope for
and what I no longer believe.
What do you know about Jesus;
only what they tell me
and what I have imagined.

The Call

The Call:
we get them
and we make ‘em.
It’s 8:31 PM.
The phone rang;
my home phone first, then my cell phone twice
while I was laying on top my bed covers.
I had my feet roasting like chestnuts,
only weren’t no open fire, just a space heater.
T.V. on mute.
Silent night,
not sure if it’s Holy though.
My usual DVD is playing, “NCIS”:
Season 5, Disk 4 been my favorite for awhile now.
Done watch it about 100 times since
I unplugged my mind from network and cable T.V.
Been laying here, staring the ceiling,
knowing all its cracks, crevices and spider webs by-heart now.
Don’t know how long I been gazing up.
I think I been looking to the hills long enough though,
ever since the preacha’ told me my help was comin’ from there
I been eyeing dem hills.
But no help ever come,
least not the help I been wanting and waitn' fo’ since
I left good religion.
I ain’t give up though!
Still tryin’ to figure out life call “Linda Karen Crockett.”
Use to be call “Linda Karen Lewis”
fo’ I was married to Darius Crockett while back.
Never changed it even though we been detached from each other
since our daughter Daria was 3,
I moved back to Oakland,
got good religion.
Still tryin’ to figure out life call “Humanity” too.
Never changed it either even though it been detached from itself
since Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake,
and Cain killed their son, his brother Abel.
I look over at Caller ID.
“See who it is first.”
Use to talk, talk, talk on the phone years ago.
Nowadays, I mostly let Caller ID do the talkin’.
This time Caller ID say, “Mom 17738463752.”
Dang, I ain’t made a call to my mom,
to that number in so long enough to forget it.
I had to look up my mom’s phone number to put it in this memoir.
“Mom 17738463752.”
It might be The Call,
from my sister about my mom,
from my mom about my sister.
Might be either just want to talk.
I miss them too.
Doesn’t matter what time of day it is;
it is The Call that we don’t want to receive,
and it is The Call we don’t want to make.
I made a call or two before.
I receive more.
Seem like the older I get,
the more I dread when the phone even ring.
I don’t care what time it is,
seem like I don’t want to take no calls.
Night be worse though.
Seem like The Call always be in the night.
Dark. Quiet. Still. Usually alone.
Sometimes dogs howling.
Can’t see yo’ hand in front of yo’ face some places.
But day light don’t make death mo’ easier
see yo’ way to its grave.
Day or night, sunshine or darkness,
dying is hard, sad, mysterious, painful all 24 hours o’ the day.
One day someone will make The Call to my family,
though I’m not even sure who that would be.
Sometimes I wish I could make The Call for myself.
Hello mom,
tomorrow my last day,
goin’ up yonder to be wit’ my Lord.
I call to tell you myself,
so you don’t have to get The Call from no one else.
I love you.
Got just a few hours to go,
I still tryin’ to figure out life,
the one you birth and name ‘Me’,
and the one God birth too, name ‘Humanity.’
Still don’t understand.
Don’t seem like none of it was worth it,
all that birthin’ I mean.
Guess I ain’t never gone understand,
least not likely in the last few hours I got left.
I love you.
I guess we ain’t never gone know each other like our heart want to,
least not likely in the last few hours I got left.
My heart wanted a lotta things,
never got ‘em though,
I never got what I wanted from God, Santa Claus or Oprah,
not likely to get ‘em in the last few hours I got left neither.
Don’t seem like none of it was worth it,
all that birthin’ I mean.
Guess I ain’t never gone understand,
least not likely in the last few hours I got left.
I love you.

Try

We must try
try NOT to think of life in terms of who I am,
what I have
what I own
what I do
what I have achieved
what I believe
what I need
We must try
try NOT to think of life in terms of I
I
I
I
I
I
I
try to think of life in terms of we

Traveling

I been traveling for a while
the road mostly rugged, rising and falling, uncharted
where you headed, you ask
aiming to reach my authentic self one day
been trying to get to her seem like a long time now
no plans of giving up though
I hope I arrive at her before I die

B

be funny
be serious
be happy
be mad
just don’t be impassive
be shy
be outgoing
be timid
be gregarious
just don’t be apathetic
be educated
be illiterate
be summa cum laude
be uninformed
just don’t be unthinking
be republican
be democrat
be green party
be apolitical
just don’t be a bigot
be black
be brown
be red
be yellow
be white
be pink
just don’t be self-seeking
be in love
be divorced
be gay
be straight
just don’t be heartless
be Jewish
be Christian
be Islamic
be atheist
just don’t be god
be blind
be 20 / 20
be acolous
be ambidextrous
just don’t be unimaginative
be unforgiving
be compassionate
be critical
be unconventional
just don’t be hate

the earth is the Lord's

one day I will no longer be in the earth
where will I be
will I know I am there

What is there

there is democracy
and then there is capitalism
there is collaboration
and then there is repression
there is team work
and then there is tyranny
there is compassion
and then there is imperialism
there is me
and then there is us
there is truth
and then there is rhetoric
there is good business
and then there is greed
there is peace
and then there is hypocrisy
there is intelligence
and then there is idiocy
there is amenable
and then there is nuclear power
there is humanity
and then there is none

H.O.P.E.

hopelessness is as powerful as hope
both have a destiny

Ideas

ideas are like the breath I breathe,
each one is new and different and vital;
no two are the same;
none can be captured, seized and held in my hand;
none can be owned or copywritten,
none can be filed away, revisited and recycled later.
each breath enables life to exist, to be;
immediately a new breath is needed for life to continue.
each breath is now in the past, behind me,
so is each idea.
i must look for the next,
and profoundly hope it arrives.
if another breath does not ocurr,
neither will a new idea.

What is important to me

I want someone to ask me, “What’s important to you?”
I would tell them that truth is important to me,
though I don’t always tell the truth;
and compassion is important to me,
even so, I am not always compassionate;
moreover, forgiveness is important to me,
still I do not always forgive;
best of all, you are important to me,
yet I don’t always take time out for you;
ideally God is important to me,
but I don’t always believe there is one;
and still I pray.
I want someone to ask me.
What is important to you?

Today I saw my heart, again

Today I saw my heart,
again it is different, than it was just yesterday.
I saw once more the powerful cinder burning there,
blazing the path to my soul's eternal identity,
her name is Spirit and Truth
she rolled out dots of magnetic light,
the light drew back the dark curtain on my mortal guise
and shone brightly my grave in America's Garden of Eden.
Her beautiful soul interred in paradise,
silken vanities stunningly line my coffin,
a jewel crusted gravestone laid me to rest,
a hallowed designer couture eulogy echos above me,
she was redeemed by her blessed 401k.
I saw it today,
beating in the shadow of my grave,
an enduring burning cinder, a ray light
magnificently illuminating my inexplicable dichotomy:
one life nothing but ashes to ashes,
the other powerfully transforming me into perpetuity.
I saw my heart,
today it is very different than it was only yesterday.
Tomorrow, I pray
my eyes are still open to see again.

6 billion pieces of puzzle in a 106 billion schematic

I was curious.
So I Googled.
“How many people have been born since the beginning of time?”
An estimated 106 billion human beings, one mathematician offered.
The World Almanac asserts 6 billion and counting live today.
I read several blogs tonight, and a few Kalamu emails.
Even I, a natural incessant raconteur,
I am overwhelmed by the countless disparate viewpoints.
It made me wonder, with so many different understandings,
how can/will humanity [ever] come together
to resolve its endless on-going crisis
since Adam blamed Eve [thus God];
Eve blamed the snake;
and Cain killed their son, his brother Abel.
With so many divergent solutions tendered,
how can/will humanity [ever] unite,
to resolve its scores of on-going crisis,
with so many resolute ideas proffered,
and so many voices to be heard.
Endless literary contests.
Innumerable book lists and reviews.
209 million blogs growing by an estimated 125,000 per day.
175 million original book works.
We all have something to say about this life we live.
Every one of us has an experience.
Each a reality.
Each an understanding.
Each an explanation.
Each an answer.
Each the perfect solution.
6 billion pieces of puzzle in a 106 billion schematic.

What is, is quite simple

We have created substantial innovation and destroyed whole nations
We have told intimate truth and bold lies
We have loved unconditionally and hated without question
We have cherished life and vehemently detested it
We have charitably given and callously stolen
We have shown boundless mercy and condemned without flinching
We have liberated the oppressed and imprisoned the innocent
We have falsely accused and defended with our blood
We have blamed others for our faults and stood tall accountable
We have readily forgiven and relentlessly begrudged
We have maliciously brutalized and sympathetically comforted
We have silently befriended and publically rejected
We have thoughtlessly procreated and thoughtfully killed
We have pardoned from death row and sentenced to death
We have bequeathed kindness and equal doses of animosity
We have nurtured children and raped them
We have manufactured medicine and guns
We have exalted the power of education and prohibited some from receiving it
We have graciously served and viciously spat upon
We have cheerfully laughed and remorselessly mocked
We have shared generously, liberally and hoarded incomprehensibly
We have created special privileges for some and proudly discriminated against others
We have gazed upon with fondness and stared at with disgust

What is,
Is quite simple
What is,
Is what we have done

will.i.am ft. Al Gore Take Our Planet Back

In BE-tween

In BE-tween all the parties, all the concerts, all the movies, all the dining there is great sadness.

Sadness instill by many phenomenon, mostly just from knowing that I've lived to age 53 - many years past my nephew Ronnie age 27, many years past my cousin in-law Pam age 33, many years past a highly admired friend and niece Lisa age 31, one year past a new friend Rocksan age 52 - only to find out that there is nothing to it, mortal life that is, and perhaps there is nothing to spiritual life as well; we shall see, or not.

In BE-tween there is quiet.

In the quiet there is only me - no husband, no daughter, no mother, no father, no sister, no brothers, no aunts, no uncles, no fancy car, no palatial house, no high-ranking job title, no endorsement contracts, no pending negotiations - just me.

I could learn desire even to hate the quiet, to prefer the noise.

If this is not purgatory then what is; it certainly feels and lives like it is.

Half-in half-out, kinda sorta, almost could be, close to but not quite, incomplete both spiritually and mortally.

Suspended somewhere in BE-tween.

We are disconnected and estranged from God, so the Bible and its proponents tell us, and we are far more disconnected and estranged from one another, so human history tells us.

Not spiritually whole, and not fully enlightened humanly.

We exist somewhere in BE-tween verity and malevolence.

Life hits and misses like a radio band on a long cross country ride - static, bacon frying and beautiful music each fading in and out, out and in - no constant wave of experience only the ripples somewhere in BE-tween.

Humanity spending millennia side-by-side yet never truly ourselves nor true to each other – spending more time judging, loathing and distancing ourselves from each other (like Obama did Rev. Wright) than we spend asking ourselves why: why do we think and feel and behave the way we do?

Living blindly in BE-tween.

Secrets, lies, cover ups, closeted, repressed, make believe, denial, delusions, pretense, more lies . . . we are more comfortable with than the truth; we are more comfortable with than we are with each other.

And it sho' ain't no secret that many are absolutely afraid to die, myself included.

We all don't necessarily live, but we surely all die - afraid or not.

We exist in BE-tween God and huMAN.

Sometimes I resent God and myself.

I resent God because they told me that God is responsible for creating this half-in half-out, kinda sorta, almost could be, close to but not quite, incomplete twofold spirit and corporeal existence. I resent myself for not having anything worthy to show for either: body or soul.

I resent God for not making Their Divine Nature, Purpose and Self clear to me! I resent God for Their faulty radio-wave-long-distance-static-bacon-frying communication.

I resent myself for desiring of the world the nothingness that it offers.

I resent the fact that neither of my resentments does me any good, nor does my free will.

I resent being in BE-tween.